Frivolities, Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious Read online

  For One Night Only

  "Once I were a waiter. Never again. It was like this here--

  "At that time I was fresh from the country--ah! I was fresh--and I wasin a situation along with old Bob Perkins, what kep' a greengrocer'sshop in the 'Ampstead Road. One day Mr. Perkins says to me:

  "'Brocklebank,' he says, 'would you like to do a little job ofwaiting?' I knew as he went out acting as waiter at private partiesand such like, so I says:

  "'I don't mind,' I says; 'not that I knows anything about it, if thatdon't make no odds.

  "'Lor', no! that don't make no odds,' he says. 'It's only thecloak-room you'll have to look after, and you'll get 'alf-a-crown andyour grub for doin' it.'

  "'Cloak-room?' I says. 'What's that?' 'Why,' he says, 'where the gentsputs their 'ats and coats and umbrellas.' 'I'm on,' I says. 'Ishouldn't be surprised if I was able to keep a heye upon a humbrella;I should think that was about my style.' But I were wrong, as I'ma-goin' to tell yer.

  "In the evening I went up with Mr. Perkins to a house in the CamdenRoad. I had on a old dress suit of Perkins's, which wasn't no sortof fit, seeing as how he was fifty-two in the waist and I wastwenty-five. Mrs. Perkins, she'd what she called 'caught the trousersup' in the back, and she said as no one would see me it would be allright, which I hoped it would be. It didn't feel all right, I tell youthat.

  "When me and Mr. Perkins got up to the house they put me straight awayinto a little band-box of a cupboard sort of place, where there wassome shelves and some 'ooks and some pieces of paper, with numberson--the same number on two pieces of paper--and a box of pins.The servant girl as shows me in says--a saucy piece of goods shewas!--'There you are! and I hope you're more 'andy than you looks,because if you mixes of the things there'll be excitement.' Mr.Perkins, he'd told me what I'd have to do as we was coming along, so Iwipes my 'ot 'and upon his breeches, and I 'opes for the best.

  "Presently the people begins a-coming to the party. A young gent, hecomes up to me, and he 'ands me his overcoat, and a billycock 'at, anda silk scarf, and a umbrella, and a pair of india-rubber shoes, and Iwas floored at once; because Mr. Perkins had told me that I was to pinone number to whatever a gent gave me, and I was to give him the samenumber, so that he might know it by that number when he came again. Sowhen this young gent gave me all that lot of articles I began pinningone number to his 'at--it was a 'ard 'at and not easy to drive a pinin--and another to his overcoat, and another to his umbrella, andanother to his shoes, and another to his scarf--as I'd understood Mr.Perkins to tell me. But this here young gent, he wouldn't have it. Hewanted me to pin one number to the lot of them; and as I was a-arguingwith him, and tryin' to understand how he made out as I could do that,seeing as how the pins was little ones, and the numbers not large onesneither, a lot of other gents came up, and this here young gent he gotquite red in the face, and he snatched a number out of my hand and hewalked off, and he left me staring.

  "Well I got on pretty well, considerin', so long as the people didn'tcome too fast. But I tell you, if you're not used to pins, they'remore difficult to manage than you might think. You never know whereyou're driving of them. I know that, what with the 'eat and the 'aste,some being all of a flurry, I drove more of them into my 'ands than Iquite liked. And I soon saw that that there box of pins wouldn't neverlast me long, seein' as how I bent three out of every two, so as Icouldn't use 'em--not to speak of others I dropped and couldn't stopto find.

  "But, as I was a-sayin', I got on somehow, and I daresay I should havegot on, somehow, to the end, if it hadn't been that I was fresh fromthe country. Of course, I didn't know what gentlefolk wear, and one'at was like another 'at to me--and that was where I was deceived. Onegent fair took me aback. He came in with a 'igh top-'at on his 'ead,and when he took it off he put one end against his chest and he gaveit a sort of a shove, and he squashed it as flat as my 'and. I tellyou, I stared. I thought he'd been having a drop to drink, and hadbusted his brand new 'at for a sort of a joke. But he seemed to besober enough, so far as I could see, and he didn't seem to mindwhat he'd done to his 'at, not a little bit. Presently another gentcame alone, and he done the same to his top-'at. Then another, andanother--in fact, a whole crowd of them. And there was me,a-perspiring like one o'clock, with Perkins's breeches a-coming undonewhere his old woman had caught 'em up at the back, a-standing in themiddle of a lot of squashed 'igh 'ats, what was lying all over theplace. So I began to see that there was more in the nature of a 'igh'at than I'd supposed.

  "Bless you! there wasn't nearly room for all the things that thesegents kept a-handing me, and unless I took to standin' on 'em, Ididn't see what I was to do. So when there came a sort of a lull likeI looks round to see how I could make a bit of room. 'Alf them gentshadn't squashed in their 'igh 'ats, like the other gents 'ad done, andI sees at once as how they were takin' up more than their fair shareof space. So I makes up my mind to squash 'em for 'em, and I setsabout a-doin' it. I takes up a 'igh 'at what a old gent had justa-give me--a beautiful shiny one it was--and I sets it against mystomach and I starts a-'eavin'. I'd no idea it'd be so 'ard. Themother gents had seemed to squash theirs easy, but this 'ere one tooksome shovin'. And, when it did go, it went all lop-sided like. I hadto sit on it before it'd lie down flat.

  "I had my 'and full, I tell you, squashin' all them 'igh 'ats. Therewas forty of 'em, if there was one. Fair 'ard work I found it. Isupposed there was some knack about the thing as I 'adn't yet caught.And when I'd finished the lot I took a squint at 'em. If you'llbelieve me, a shiver went up and down my back. Somehow I didn't likethe way as they was lookin'. There was a crumpled sort of look about'em which didn't seem like as it ought to be. I was a-perspirin' allover. Perkins's breeches had come undone behind, and was 'anging aboutme anyhow; my collar had come unpinned at the back of my shirt; thebow that Mrs. Perkins had give me for a necktie had worked loose infront. A lot of them articles hadn't got no numbers on, and most ofthem as had I felt certain as I'd given to the wrong parties; and,altogether, I began to wish as how I hadn't come.

  "Presently the old gent as had given me the 'igh 'at as I hadstarted squashin' came up to the door. He was a tall old gent, veryfierce-lookin', with a long white moustache--a regular toff. As he'dbeen the last to come, and it seemed as how he was goin' to be thefirst to go, it looked as if he had soon had enough of the party.'Give me my 'at,' he says.

  "I knew which was his 'at, though it 'adn't got no number. I had goodreason to. So I routed it out from under a 'eap of others. He looks atit, and then he looks at me.

  "'That's not my 'at,' he says.

  "'Excuse me, sir,' I says, 'it is your 'at--leastways, it's the one asyou gave to me.'

  "He looks at the 'at again, and then again he looks at me, and all ofa sudden he went quite red in the face.

  "'Mine was a new 'at!'

  "'Yes, sir,' I says; 'so I thought, sir, when you gave it me. Itdidn't look as though it 'adn't never been worn. If you try this 'aton, sir, you will find, sir, as it's yours.'

  "Then he takes the 'at out of my 'and, lookin' at me once more,searchin' like, and he turns it round and round, and he squints insideof it.

  "'As I'm alive,' he says, 'I do believe it's mine!'

  "I says,' I'm sure, sir, as how it is. I noticed it most particular.'

  "'But, good 'evins!' he says, 'whatever 'ave you been a-doing to it?'

  "'I've only been a-squashin' of it, sir,' I says.

  "'Only been a-squashin' of it!' he says, and he gives a kind of gasp.'Are you drunk, man?'

  "'No, sir,' I says, 'and that I'm not. I haven't had so much as 'alf apint since I've been inside this 'ouse!' Which I 'adn't, and my throatwas gettin' regular parched.

  "He did flare out!

  "'Then if you're not drunk, man,' he says, 'what the devil do you meanby tellin' me that you've only been a-squashin' of a brand new 'at?'He gives another squint inside of it. ''Ang me if it doesn't look asif he'd been a-sitting down upon the thing!'

  "'I had to,'
I says, 'to make it stay down flat.'

  "I thought he would have had a fit.

  "'My God!' he says,' what sort of a place is it that I've got into?'Then he uses language what I'd always been taught was most unbecomin'to anyone what called 'imself a gentleman. 'You damned scoundrel,you!' he says. 'If you was my servant I'd have you sent to gaol forthis! I might have expected that something would come of ever enteringsuch a dog-'ole of a 'ouse! Take the 'at, you 'ound, and be damned toyou!'

  "And if he didn't throw his own 'at into my face with such violence asnot only to break the skin right off my nose, where it 'appened to 'itme, but as to make me feel for the moment as if I had gone silly. WhenI come to myself, as it were, if he hadn't gone right into the street,for all I knew, and left his 'at behind him. As I was thinkin' what Iought to do--for I ain't accustomed to havin' 'igh 'ats chucked in myface as if they were brickbats, not even at a party--three other gentscame 'astening up--young ones, they was.

  "''Ats, waiter!' they says. 'We're in a 'urry'--which I could see theywas.

  "'What is your numbers, gentlemen?' I says.

  "'You never give us none,' says they.

  "'In that case, gentlemen,' I says, 'I shall have to ask you for to beso good as to choose your own 'ats.'

  "So I takes up in both my 'ands a 'eap of squashed 'igh 'ats and I'olds 'em out to 'em. You should have seen their faces! First theylooks at me, and then they looks at each other. Then one of them givesa sort of grin.

  "'Ain't you made some sort of mistake?' he says.

  "'As 'ow?' I says.

  "'Ours was 'igh 'ats,' he says.

  "'Well, and ain't these 'igh 'ats?' I says.

  "Then again they looks at me, and again they looks at each other; andanother one, he speaks--a short, puffy young fellow he was, with curly'air.

  "'They looks to me as if they was low 'ats,' he says; 'uncommon low--Inever saw none look lower.'

  "All three laughs. What at was more than I could say. I didn't knowwhat to make of 'em. There was they a-starin' at me, and there was Ia-starin' at them, with both my arms 'eaped up with them there 'ats.Then the third one, he has a go--a stylish-lookin' chap. He was very'an'some, like you sees in the barbers' shops.

  "'Waiter,' he says, 'are you a-'avin' a game with us?'

  "'A game, sir?' I says. 'Beggin' your pardon, sir, I'm not 'avin' nogame with no one. Do I look as if I was?'

  "Which I didn't feel it, I can tell you that.

  "'Well,' he says, 'I asks you for my 'at, and you offers me my choiceof them leavings from a rag-and-bone shop; so, if you ain't a-'avin' agame with me, I don't know what you are a-'avin'.'

  "'Come, waiter!' says the one as had spoken first; 'didn't we tell youas 'ow we was in a 'urry? Let us 'ave our 'ats. Don't keep on playingthe fool with us!'

  "'You must excuse me, gentlemen,' I says, speaking a triflewarmish--because, as you'll understand, I was beginning to feel alittle badgered like; 'if anyone's a-playin' the fool it seems tome--asking of your leave--as it's you as is playin' the fool with me!'

  "'Us as is playin' the fool with you?' they says, all together, as itmight be.

  "'Eggsactly,' I says. 'That is what I says,' I says, 'and that is whatI means,' I says. 'First, you asks me for to give you your 'ats; andthen, when I offers you some 'ats for you to take what is your own,you starts a-larfin'. If, as you says, you're in a 'urry, perhapsyou'll step inside and cast your eyes around, and point out which isyour 'ats. You can take which ones you please for all I care; I'm sureyou're very welcome.'

  "With that they stepped in. When they was in, and I was in, therewasn't much room left for anything but breathin', and 'ardly roomenough for that.

  "'Where is the 'igh 'ats?' says the stylish-lookin' feller.

  "'Where is your eyes?' I says. 'Ain't they all over the place? Why,you're a-steppin' on one now!'

  "You should have seen the 'op he gave!

  "'These 'ats,' he says, 'from what I can see of 'em--which isn'tmuch--looks to me as if they had all been squashed.'

  "'Of course they has!' I says. ''Ow do you suppose I was a-goin' tofind room for them if they wasn't? This ain't the Halbit 'All, and yetit ain't the Crystal Pallis!'

  "Then they looks at each other again; and, from the way in which theydone it, I felt as 'ow there was something which wasn't altogetherwhat it ought to be. So I goes on--

  "'If them 'ats hasn't been squashed eggsactly as they ought to havebeen squashed, that ain't my fault,' I says. 'You ought to havesquashed them for yourselves, as the other gents done. I don't knownothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, and I never laid myself outas knowin' nothing. I just put them against my chest and I gives 'em ashove, and then I sits on 'em to make 'em lay down flat. That's all Idone!'

  "While I was speakin' I could see them there young gents' mouths wasgettin' wider and wider open, and when I stopped they burst outlarfin' fit to split. What there was to larf at was more than I couldsee. All I knew was, that I wished I 'adn't never come. They staggeredout into the 'all, and the curly-'eaded one, he cries out:

  "'Oh, Sheepshanks, do come 'ere!' Then a cove comes up, as I found outafterwards was the bloke as was a-givin' the party. 'Oh, Sheepshanks!'says this young feller; 'if he ain't squashed them just eggsactly asthey ought to have been squashed, don't you blame him. He never laidhimself out as knowin' nothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, buthe's done his best--he's sat down upon them to make them lie downflat! Oh, Lord! Someone put a piece of ice down my back, afore I die!'

  "This 'ere curly-'eaded young feller kep' on larfin' so I thought hewould have bust. Mr. Sheepshanks, he comes up to me, lookin' a bitpinky. 'What's the matter? What's the meanin' of this?' he says.

  "'Oh!' says the curly-'eaded young feller, still a-bustin' of 'isselfa-larfin'; 'nothing! That waiter of yours has only been a-squashin'the 'igh 'ats--every man-jack of 'em. For goodness sake ask him aboutthem--don't ask me! My gracious! why don't someone bring that piece ofice?'

  "Mr. Sheepshanks, he came into the little band-box of a room, lookingpinkier and pinkier. He looks at some 'ats which I was a-'oldin' in my'ands.

  "'What have you been a-doin' to those 'ats?' he says.

  "'I've only been a-squashin' 'em,' I says; 'that's all!'

  "'You've only been a-squashin' 'em?' he says--and he gives a kind ofgasp, like as if he was taken short of breath upon a sudden. And helooks about the room.

  "'What 'ats are these?' he says.

  "'They is the 'ats,' I says, 'what was given to me by the gents as isat the party.'

  "He gives another sort of gasp, and there came something into his facewhat I didn't altogether like the look of.

  "'Who's been a-destroyin' of 'em?' he says.

  "'No one ain't been a-destroyin' of 'em,' I says. 'I've only beena-sittin' on 'em to make 'em lie down flat.'

  "'Oh!' he says, short and sharp like. 'Is that all you have beena-doin'? And what sort of a drunken idiot may you be, pray?'

  "'I'm not drunk,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I haven't even seen the sightof liquor since I've been inside this blessed 'ouse. And, as foridiot, I ain't so much of a idiot, perhaps, as you are'; for I didn'tcare who he was, nor yet what he was. I'd had about enough of beingbully-ragged.

  "'May I venture to ask who brought you here?' he says.

  "'No one brought me 'ere,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I came along of Mr.Perkins, to oblige him; and now I wish I hadn't, and so I tell youstraight.'

  "'I also,' he says,' am inclined to wish you hadn't.'

  "Very hard and stern he was. I didn't like the look of him, nor yetthe sound of him. 'Send Perkins to me,' he says. Presently Mr.Perkins, he comes 'urryin' up.

  "'Perkins,' says Mr. Sheepshanks, 'what scoundrel is this you havebrought into my 'ouse?'

  "'It's only a young man from the country, sir,' says Perkins, 'as Ibrought with me to 'elp in the cloak-room. I do 'ope he has been doin'of nothing wrong?'

  "And he gives me a glare out of his eye, like as if I had been doin'anything to him.

/>   "'I don't know if you're a-thinkin',' says this 'ere Mr. Sheepshanks,a-puffin' and a-pantin', as it seemed to me, with rage, 'that I askedmy friends to my 'ouse to have their 'ats destroyed; because youryoung man, as you says is from the country--and I 'opes to goodness as'ow he'll soon go back to it!--has done for every one of 'em.'

  "'I denies it!' I says. 'I tells you again, as I tells you afore, thatI've only been a-squashin' of 'em and a-sittin' on 'em to make 'em liedown flat!'

  "When I says that, the way Mr. Perkins goes on at me was what I neverhad expected. He abused me scandalous. He took me by the neck, and he'ustled me into the 'all. And there was all the people what was at theparty a-crowdin' on the stairs. If you'll believe me, before I 'ardlyknew what 'ad 'appened, I found myself a-standin'...!'

  "Yes, that were the first time ever I acted as a waiter--likewise, itwas the very last.

  "When I goes round to put the 'orse ready for market, his missus, shemeets me at the door. She gives me the money that was due to me, andshe says as 'ow she didn't think as 'ow I had better stay for to havea talk with Perkins, because as 'ow he might be violent. So I didn't.And I've never set eyes on him from that day to this.

  "It was some time before I quite understood what it was had made thegents what was at that there party so excited. One day, comin' along astreet near the Strand, I sees in a shop window a 'igh 'at what wasa-shuttin' of itself up and a-openin' of itself out without, so far asI could see, no one a-doin' nothing to it. Some sort of machinery, Iexpect as 'ow it was. So I stops and I takes a look at it. There was aboy a-lookin' at it too. So I says to him--

  "'What kind of a 'at do you call that?' I says.

  "'It's a hopera 'at, ain't it?' he says. 'Who do you think as you'rea-gettin' at?'

  "I wasn't a-gettin' at no one, and it was like that there boy'simpudence to suppose as 'ow I was.

  "'Oh! a hopera 'at, is it?' I says. 'You don't 'appen to know ifthat's the same as a 'igh 'at, do you?'

  "'A 'igh 'at!' he says. 'Go on! Ax your grandmother! P'r'aps yourmother 'ardly knows you're out! Go and prig the parish pump and pop itwith a peeler!'

  "And that there boy, he 'ooks it. And it was well for him he did. If Ihad a-got my 'ands on him he'd have known it. But, from the way inwhich that 'at was a-goin' on in that there window, and from what thatthere boy says, I took it that there was two kinds of 'igh 'ats--thehopera kind and the other kind. And, in supposin' that the other kindcould be squashed in, like the hopera kind, was just where I had mademy error."